You’re Not a Bad Person for Having an Abortion
You’re human.
“Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it — it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.” ~Brené Brown
Sharing my abortion story was one of the best things I’ve ever done.
For myself, it was an exercise in self-love, forgiveness, and acceptance. It was an offering that took every ounce of courage within me. It was an act of truth-telling that allowed the light to outshine the darkness that had been residing in my heart. It destroyed my shame, once and for all.
Outside of myself, the sharing of my story has proven to be beneficial as well. Not long after sharing, I had quite a few women reach out to me privately, letting me know how it had helped them on their healing journey.
Recently, someone else reached out to me wondering if we could talk. She had found out she was pregnant and had scheduled an abortion. She said she had been on birth control, and knew she didn’t want to have the baby. She was feeling nervous about the procedure and hoping to talk with someone who had been there before.
I set up a time to talk with her that day, and did my best to prepare for the conversation. As the hours passed, I wondered what she might say or want to talk about. I wondered if I would be answering questions having to do with logistics and procedure and such.
At a certain point, I told myself to approach the conversation in a different way. Just wait and see what happens. If I knew anything about the way she might be feeling, it was that she needed someone to remind her she was ok.
Sure enough, about five minutes into the conversation, she said something so piercingly familiar, I knew the support she needed was emotional and spiritual. She said she felt like a terrible person. She kept talking, but her words were often interrupted by tears. She came back to the issue multiple times.
“Am I a bad person?” she kept asking.
“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” ~Brené Brown
In 2014, after I sat down with my boss and told him I’d decided to have an abortion, the first thing I asked was, “Am I a terrible person?”
He looked me dead in the eyes and said, without hesitation, “You are not a terrible person.” It would take some time for me to come around to believing him, but I still have so much gratitude for his response in that moment.
For myself, for my friend who just had an abortion, and for any other woman out there who has had an abortion, this is for you.
You’re not a bad person for having an abortion. You’re human.
Us humans are wildly beautiful and flawed. We have so much going on in us, don’t we? Desires that seem to contradict one another. One minute you want to smoke a cigarette and the next minute you want to do deep breathing exercises and yoga. Just me?
Life is messy, messy, messy. And love and sex seem to be that sweet spot where most of the ecstasy and beauty, but also pain and terror can be found.
Sometimes we find ourselves lying inside a mosquito net with someone we never planned on becoming intimate with, going through the motions until suddenly we realize there is something inside us that shouldn’t be there and we hop to our feet so fast you’d mistake us for Flash.
The reasons to have an abortion are many and varied. I’m not talking about justification here. I’m talking about what you do with yourself after the decision has been made and the procedure has been done. You know what you do with yourself at that point?
Love yourself, and let yourself be loved.
It might seem hard to love yourself, but you need to do it anyway. There are going to be mixed signals coming into your consciousness, if you’re paying attention. You might be tempted to hate yourself or let shame eat you up from the inside out. Resist.
Here are some tangible ways you can love yourself after getting an abortion: Take care of your body. Get as much rest as you need to. Eat chocolate. Eat well. If you enjoy working out, do it as soon and as often as you can.
Take care of your mind and spirit, too. Be realistic about how this might be affecting you. Cry as much as you need to. Also laugh. Feel all the feelings. Don’t hide from them.
Rumi says the wound is where the light enters you. Allow your wound to be seen, so that it can heal. Talk to loved ones. Talk with a counselor. Write. Sing. Create things. Go to church. I know, that sounds crazy, but maybe you need to keep going to church to remind yourself who God is. Don’t let anybody tell you who God isn’t, right now. GOD IS LOVE, no matter what.
Also, do not allow feelings of shame to keep you silent. But be wise about who you share with.
“Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: ‘Who has earned the right to hear my story?’ If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.” ~Brené Brown
Find your tribe and tell your story. Find a support group. Figure out who the safe people in your life are, and keep telling your story. If someone offers to help you kick shame’s ass every day, let them. This is where the real healing comes from. When you isolate, shame destroys you. Expose yourself to the light and let love win.
Let me be just one voice among many to tell you. You’re not a bad person for having an abortion. You’re human. You are also loved. You are worthy. You are not alone. May you experience profound healing and compassion.
